NBA Draft Recap

You wanted it? You get it! Sure, it's almost a week later but you're gonna get yourself some draft grades.

Void if sarcasm is withheld.

1. Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls - Bulls fans hope D-Rose's homecoming is more like LeBron's staying home in Cleveland, less like Starbury's return to New York City.
2. Michael Beasley, Miami Heat - After the best player in the draft fell to the Heat at No. 2, Pat Riley began plotting against...what's his name...that coach he just hired.
3. OJ Mayo, Minnesota Timberwolves - Unable to send this talent to the Celtics, Kevin McHale settles for Kevin Love and Mike Miller from Memphis.
4. Russell Westbrook, Seattle Sonics - Westbrook introduces a new concept called "defense" into Sonics camped
5. Kevin Love, Memphis Grizzlies - The Grizz get a scorer in O.J. Mayo. Good luck to O.J. as he tries to market himself to the good folks of Memphis, Tenn.
6. Danilo Gallinari, New York Knicks - The only people that enjoyed this pick are Gallinari, D'Antoni, Italian-American New Yorkers and fans who hate the Knickerbockers.
7. Eric Gordon, Los Angeles Clippers - Not playing for the clippers is reason No. 1 why you should stay in school if you're a talented college hoopster.
8. Joe Alexander, Milwaukee Bucks - "Vanilla Sky" will be a great marketing tool for Wisconsinites in search of a player to market a new flavor of ice cream.
9. DJ Augustin, Charlotte Bobcats - Michael Jordan proves why Jerry Reinsdorf never gave him a front office gig by drafting a PG when the Bobcats already have Raymond Felton (a UNC like Jordan and Coach Larry Brown at that).
10. Brook Lopez, New Jersey Nets - Because someone's gotta grab the bricks Vince Carter throws up from the great beyond.
11. Jerryd Bayless, Indiana Pacers - It was a dumb pick 'til you see where I'm going with this in No. 13
12. Jason Thompson, Sacramento Kings - Who is Jason Thompson? Seriously.
13. Brandon Rush, Portland TrailBlazers - Poor Brandon goes from a nice situation in Portland to begging for minutes in Indy.
14. Anthony Randolph, Golden State Warriors - Anthony Randolph looks to add his name to talented big men that warm Don Nelson's bench.
15. Robin Lopez, Phoenix Suns - Lopez will be putting that Stanford education to good use as he will be used to spell Shaq when he's tired (or rapping).
16. Marreese Speights, Philadelphia 76ers - Personally, I would rather be a college student-athlete star in Gainsville, Fla. where the girls are blonde and pretty than a pro in Philadelphia where they booed Santa.
17. Roy Hibbert, Toronto Raptors (for Indiana) - If Hibbert can stay healthy, I guarantee he matches Jermaine O'Neal's productivity (if he's NOT healthy).
18. JaVale McGee, Washington Wizards - Teams in the NBA Eastern Conference have been blowing up former SIU forward Randal Falker's phone as they hope to land someone to stop McGee.
19. JJ Hickson, Cleveland Cavs - The Cavs needed a shooting guard who puts the emphasis in shooting. They didn't get him.
20. Alexis Ajinca, Charlotte Bobcats - First D.J.A. and now some French dude no one's ever heard of. Are we sure this guy isn't Fredric Weis?
21. Ryan Anderson, New Jersey Nets - Even though I don't agree with the player chosen (Darrell Arthur is still chillin' in the green room), now Lopez has competition to grab VC's bricks.
22. Courtney Lee, Orlando Magic - A former Duke star will lose playing time to a guy from Western Kentucky: whodathunkit?
23. Kosta Koufos, Utah Jazz - A tremendous upside pick for the Jazz, even though their front court is loaded like Lindsay Lohan on a Friday afternoon.
24. Serge Ibaka, Seattle Sonics - Another international player I've never heard of....don't the Sonics have rebuilding to do?
25. Nicolas Batum, Houston Rockets - This guy has potential down the line...so does my stock in Enron.
26. George Hill, San Antonio Spurs - This is where the Spurs usually pick a random foreigner who will shine in a few years. I didn't know IUPUI played basketball.
27. Darrell Arthur, New Orleans Hornets (for Portland) - Not only did he have to wait thru 27 picks, he has to sit behind Channing Frye, Lamarcus Aldridge and Greg Oden. One more year in Lawrence, Kan. makes him a lottery pick.
28. Donte’ Greene, Memphis Grizzlies - Hakim Warrick wins a bet with the Grizz' management. Drafts a guy who will watch Syracuse basketball with him and team against UConn teammate Rudy Gay.
29. DJ White, Detroit Pistons - While the White Sox own the idea of grinder ball in baseball, the Pistons own the concept on the hardwood. Calls by Kelvin Sampson were not returned.
30. JR Giddens, Boston Celtics - Does it matter who they picked? They just won the f*****g NBA title!

In closing:

WINNERS:

• The Miami Heat for grabbing the most talented player in the draft and resisting the possibility of drafting local product Elian Gonzalez.
• The Chicago Bulls' marketing department are the biggest winners of the draft after nabbing local kid with first pick. Because if there's anything more marketable than sex, it's a local product who might be the most talented young guard out there.
• Italian-American New York Knicks fans who will be shouting "That's my guy!" in heavy New York accents when "Big Cock" lands in the Big Apple.

LOSERS:

• The Charlotte Bobcats who were hoodwinked by Michael Jordan, who fooled the Bobcats executives into thinking Mike knew talent on the court. We all know he can spot it off the hardwood.
• Mike D'Antoni is probably not a happy man right now. He could be leading the Bulls and Derrick Rose. Instead he's stuck in NYC with Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, Jamal Crawford, Starbury and some Italian guy whose nickname is "Big Cock."
• The Boston Celtics might be the biggest loser, after being unable to stick-up Kevin McHale at gun point and failing to acquire the rights to the No. 3 pick.